: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize