i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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