he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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