friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
