Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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