I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
