The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize