Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
