What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
