I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
