My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
