my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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