well I can't set my house on fire every night
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
