I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
