I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Apparently you make a good broom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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