She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
