I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
