but the lizard people decide everything anyway
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
