No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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