theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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