I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
