I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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