i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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