and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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