On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
