Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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