Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
