I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
