would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
