Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
