Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
