thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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