I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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