Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
