I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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