how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
