I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
