i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize