Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
