No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
