So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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