so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
