Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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