so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
