I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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