soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
