I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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