I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my liver is dry heaving
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
