I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
