I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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