Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
