If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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