my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
