i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
