jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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