My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My ATM looks so different sober.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
