the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
When did angry sex become our thing?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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