4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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