it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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