Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
