sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
