Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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